Another very important joint decision every couple must make at the start of their planning. A call that must not be made lightly.

First, look at your wedding party. Do you want young children to be flower girls, ring bearers alongside your bridesmaids and groomsmen? Perhaps you have a niece or nephew that is expected to fill this role by the children of your immediate family or the children of the wedding party. Keep in mind that this is YOUR Wedding and YOUR decision. Don’t worry about upsetting family members or close friends. Explain to them that this is you and your partner’s wish and that you have a guest limit.

To have children in the wedding party can initially be interpreted as a “cute” addition. However, you must consider their ages, their maturity, and how they can follow directions. Children can be challenged if they do not behave. Perhaps start by considering their age. Preschool children can be unpredictable and unfamiliar with society’s strict rules of etiquette. They may be more prone to throw tantrums, cry, and have stage fright. For this reason, school-age children would be a good choice – since they are familiar with the expectations of their behavior in a public setting.

Ages 5-10 years would be a great choice. The other important fact that you must consider is how the children are going to be supervised and entertained. Their parents must always be invited. After the children are finished with their roles in the wedding party, they can immediately join their parents in the crowd, allowing their parents to keep them disciplined. At the venue, however, the children require additional provisions. They may be seated at the “children’s table” close by their parents (within eyesight and earshot). The table must be a much simpler version of the rest of the adult tables. There cannot be any burning candles present. The table must be very roomy with child-friendly dinnerware. You want them to be safe and happy.

A children’s menu of fries, mac and cheese, pizza, chicken nuggets, hotdogs, hamburgers, etc., will suit them just fine. Then there must be ways of occupying the children and keeping them entertained for they will get “bored” very easily, as they are notorious for having short attention spans. What is this going to look like? There are several options for achieving this. Perhaps you can employ a care provider for the children so that the parents can enjoy the wedding reception. Have activities for them in an adjacent room (so that the parents can check up on them), such as: a movie, crafts, toys, puzzles, colouring pictures, blank paper and crayons. Perhaps, if you have a bigger budget, you can employ a clown, a magician, a puppeteer. The children can join their parents in the big reception room for a few kid-friendly dances – like the Hokey Pokey, the Chicken Dance, Simon Says, the Locomotion, Limbo Rock, etc.

The children can also do a special scavenger hunt of listed items to find at the reception. They can perhaps play photographer and get those “natural shots” at the wedding reception with disposable cameras. They can perhaps work on their very own special wedding album of the wedding – noting the key events/attractions, what their roles were, their favorite part of the wedding, etc. – which will be their keepsake. Perhaps they can put together drawings of the bride and groom’s wedding day and present it to them as their special gift to them. Children can also be given duties at the reception – they can act as ushers, hand out programs, manage the guest book, pass out favors in a basket – which will make them feel important. The aim is to keep the children and their parents happy. Someone MUST be in charge of overseeing the children for this to be a successful and fun event for all. Remember that children are counted as guests at the venue and are part of the head count with the caterers.

Do you want “other” children other than the ones in the wedding party? Be aware that this may turn into “unsupervised chaos” – due mainly to the fact that the parents want to enjoy the wedding as adults. If you are going to allow all the children of your guests, that is fine – BUT be careful of your guest limitations and challenges that a whole group of kids can present.

If you are only inviting “certain” kids, be sure to explain to other guests WHY these children are invited and not theirs – these pose sticky issues and are a tricky territory that you must be prepared to discuss with them beforehand why this the plan. Be honest, yet tactful. Perhaps it is just better to stick to the children of the wedding party or immediate family. However – this is your “special” day.

If you have decided to have certain children at your wedding, make sure your wedding invitations reflect this. Write the children’s individual names on the invitation.

For example: On the outer envelope — Mr. & Mrs. Jones

On the inner envelope —- Mr. & Mrs. Jones

Jennifer and Bobby

[or]

Jennifer Jones

Bobby Jones

What if you opt for a child-free wedding? It is a decision that is not only sensitive, but could also potentially ruffle some feathers. Remember this is YOUR Wedding. Guests might be miffed at first, especially close friends and immediate family with children. Be very clear about your expectations. Be direct with your guests so there is no confusion or assumptions. Break it to them early on in your planning – in person or perhaps giving them a call beforehand so that they can make their decision whether to attend or not attend your wedding, and also so that they can make arrangements for childcare for that day. Never put “no children” or “adults only” on the invitation itself. Instead, insert wording such as:

“We love your children, but due to space restrictions we cannot accommodate guests under 18

[or 21, or another age] on our Wedding day.”

“The couple requests that this be an adult-only event.”

“Unfortunately, we cannot host any children at our Wedding. We appreciate your understanding.

You are not going to please everyone, so since you have said it is a “kid free wedding” there is no need for more lengthy explanations. Don’t back down!

At the end of the day, your guests will have to make a decision to either check off “will attend” or “will not attend” on the RSVP card of your adults only wedding. They probably will enjoy having an outing without the children as well.

Do what works for the two of you. As long as you plan ahead and make a unified decision early on, you should have no problem navigating this tricky and sensitive area of wedding etiquette.