Congratulations on becoming engaged and taking your relationship to the next level. The future can’t be more exciting!
As you are now well on your blissful journey to your dream destination of marriage, you must take a moment to reflect on how serious this covenant between two people is.
Marriage has become a contractual binding of individuals since the 12th Century. Vows are taken and are expected to be adhered to unconditionally until “death do you part”. However, life happens, and curve balls are thrown from left field. Stressful situations happen, good and bad decisions are made – both planned and on the fly. Problem solving skills are tested on a daily basis. How strong your bond will be depends on your versatility to adapt to the situation you finds yourself in, and how much you are willing to invest your time and effort into making it work. Jumping ship is the easy way out. But – none of this will happen to you, of course, since at this moment you are on cloud nine, and everything is fairytale perfect.
Before you take the big leap into the land of matrimony and all its scary legal implications and assumptions, you must have this talk with your beloved fiancée/fiancé.
1. The MONEY talk.
No one wants to talk about your individual finances – it is so unromantic. Nevertheless, it is the leading cause of divorce, trumping even infidelity. Yikes! Talking about the money subject will address issues such as: how are you going to pool your money together, how are you going to spend it, on what, what are your short-term and long-term goals, are there any surprising and outstanding debts that each of you should be aware of? Are you a spender or are you a good money manager? Who will be the person in charge in regards to money entering the household? The most important thing is that you agree on financial goals.
2. How you ARGUE.
Yes, there will be arguments, unfortunately. Oftentimes when people argue, there is a pattern. Being consciously aware of these patterns will help you deal with them and get over them successfully. Generally there toxic patterns, where one makes a demand and the other withdraws into submission, or there may be criticisms and words which are used to offend the other. Laying the issues on the table and resolving them cordially is a good action plan for a comfortable and yet unforeseen future.
3. How you understand PERSONALITY.
Every marriage will go through periods of stress and hardship where one’s needs or goals change, or when one person wants to grow in ways that the other doesn’t. Remember that change is a constant in life and nothing ever stays the same. You must believe in each other and know that each of your personalities is malleable and will be compliant in negotiating needs for the good, and betterment of the marriage.
4. Ideas about PARTNERSHIP.
Marriage is a partnership. How is this going to look like? Who is going to do what? Are duties going to be drawn along traditional lines, where one partner is focused on one thing, and the other partner focuses on another responsibility, even if you are both working? Or a more egalitarian relationship, where you both agree to pitch in where it’s needed. Will there be children? How many? Is adoption an issue? Will you socialize together as a couple, with mutual friends, or will you continue as you did in your single life, with separate socializing circles and living on parallel tracks that sometimes connect? What is important to you that the other must accept – is it travelling, hobbies? Being forthright and honest with your partner about your own needs, and having the other’s blessing makes one more independent, more willing to take risks, more resilient to failure, and more willing to switch gender stereotype roles – whatever works. Knowing that you have each other’s back and that you can truly count on each other for support through both good times and bad makes you the power couple.
5. Your CHILDHOOD EXPERIENCES.
Your history is important. Whether your childhood was perfect or less that perfect, it may come to haunt you in your marriage. It can imply different attachment styles. You may be prone to hide your feelings: push people away, keep secrets, and shut down when others show emotion. Trust can be a concern. Responding appropriately to the other’s feelings can be a struggle. Everyone comes with baggage, but hopefully you can overcome these issues, and work them out together and create a healthy and happy relationship, whatever that means to you.
6. Raising CHILDREN.
How are you going to raise your children when they come along? Are you going to have strict rules, strict bed times? What school are you going to send your children to? Or are you going to study up on what’s best for your child by reading modern child rearing books, and co-parenting as best you can. Are there cultural customs that your children must abide by? Are religious practices and beliefs something your children have to be a part of? Who will stay home with the children? Or will there be a nanny, or a babysitter? Who will take them to their hockey games, ballet lessons, etc.? Perhaps one of you already has children – how are you going to make them a part of your new union? Children add both a challenge and a blessing to a marriage.
In conclusion, it is very important to talk about all these topics, so that you are better prepared entering into this legal bond.
In marriage, you will encounter many more unforeseen obstacles that will challenge you in ways you never thought possible. You will gain experience as you go along, but will be a life-long learner. No one can predict the future. According to Statistics Canada, 40% of all marriages fail. 90% of marriages fail after the loss of a child. Life is very precarious. Do the best that you can. Weather the storms together. Enjoy the good times. Always be totally honest with each other and be each other’s best friend.
May this new chapter in your life be filled with joy and love!
Best of luck!
Sincerely,
Love’s Breath
website: www.lovesbreath.net
e-mail: MDBachlow@hotmail.com